


As certain dark things are to be loved,

by flightinflame



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Deaf Janos Quested, Developing Relationship, Falling In Love, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, M/M, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Sign Language, courting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:35:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21994582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightinflame/pseuds/flightinflame
Summary: Janos always knew that he was pretty. He saw it on the doctor's lips as he grew from an awkward coltish youth to a young man. To start with the words were slurred with alcohol, until he sinned too often and too much for the doctor to resist even when sober. When he first saw the demon, he had thought he had come for him, for his eternal punishment for leading a good man astray.Janos never knew he was beautiful. Not until the demon that had wormed his way beneath his skin held him close, tracing out the words on bare flesh, punctuating each one with a kiss.
Relationships: Azazel (X-Men)/Janos Quested, Janos Quested/Sebastian Shaw, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 49





	As certain dark things are to be loved,

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lavenderlotion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavenderlotion/gifts).



> "I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,"  
> from https://hellopoetry.com/poem/9959/xvii-i-do-not-love-you/  
> Saint Medardus is the patron saint of weather, captives and prisoners, the mentally ill, and peasants, among other things.  
> Warnings for sexual abuse (not shown on screen)
> 
> Thank you to Lavenderlotion for her support (and the title), and lourdesdeath for their beta reading

Janos always knew that he was pretty. He saw it on the doctor's lips as he grew from an awkward coltish youth to a young man. To start with the words were slurred with alcohol, until he sinned too often and too much for the doctor to resist even when sober. When he first saw the demon, he had thought he had come for him, for his eternal punishment for leading a good man astray.

Janos never knew he was beautiful. Not until the demon that had wormed his way beneath his skin held him close, tracing out the words on bare flesh, punctuating each one with a kiss.

***

There was a sudden burst of filthy black smoke. Janos looked towards it, expecting another mutant, the killer that the doctor had brought here. He didn't know much of what had been discussed between the doctor and Emma, neither of them bothering to tell him, merely catching glimpses as they spoke. He was fairly sure they'd said the man was a teleporter.

This... This wasn't a man. His mouth moved silently in a half-forgotten prayer, his fingers twitching at his side, helpless, wanting to ward off the demon that was standing there, and knowing it wouldn't work, that there was nothing he could do to save himself, that he had brought it down upon him.

The man looked at him, fingers still around the handle of a knife that dripped blood, and Janos was sure he whimpered, taking a step closer to the doctor, to the safety of what he knew. His heart was racing. He'd known this was coming, known it was all his fault, and now the moment came he was terrified. The man prowled closer, and he ducked his head, trying to remember the prayers of his childhood, the stories that he'd believed in. He found himself asking Saint Medardus for protection, cringing slightly as the man stopped in front of him. He waited for one red hand to reach out, to tighten around his throat - and nothing came. He saw the doctor laugh, and take the stranger's hand, and the two of them disappeared.

Left alone, Janos's hand flickered in a quick movement, crossing himself. He'd always thought… Well, the doctor was working for the good of their kind. That's what he believed, what he had to believe, but... To be in league with demons. He shuddered, and tried to calm himself, heading to his room. He needed to be in peace.

He rested with his back to the door. He knew the doctor didn't like it when he prayed, saw it as weak, helpless, _human_ , but right now it was the only comfort that he could take. So he did, trying to remember his little brother's smile, the way he tried to copy Janos's actions as he signed his prayers. He hoped the boy was still alive. His father wasn't, but he'd gone with the doctor, who had promised to cure his affliction, his strangeness, and he thought... He thought they still lived.

There was a demon in the corridors outside, and he wouldn't hear when it approached.

***

The demon's name was Azazel. A teleporter, and a fellow mutant according to the doctor, but his presence still unnerved Janos. He kept his distance, and the demon seemed willing to grant him the same. He sat in his usual chair, watching intently as Emma and the doctor spoke, needing to know what they had planned. The demon was in the far corner of the room, sharpening a blade.

The doctor crooked his finger, catching Janos's attention, and then pointed to the door. Janos nodded, and looked up in time to see a frown crossing the demon's face. For a moment Janos feared he'd know the extent of Janos's sin, the perversion he had caused. But the demon continued focusing on the blade, and Janos fled to the doctor’s bedroom.

Later that night, Janos returned to his own bedroom, frowning at what he saw on the bedside table. He approached it curiously. Pan dulce, the kind he'd had as a child. He picked it up, sniffed it, fingers tracing the cracks at the top of the concha sweet bread. It smelt the same as it had when he was young, and he remembered a trip to the beach when he was a child, the sun shining down and the ocean cool and refreshing. He took a bite.

He ate one of them, and put the second in his drawer so that he would have it the following day, then made his way back out. He found Emma, trying to project his thanks.

A written sentence appeared in his head. _'You're wrong, sugar, if you think I have it in me to be nice.'_ She smiled at him and walked away.

He knew it couldn't be the doctor that had brought it, and Emma said it wasn't her. There was only one other person currently at the base.

He considered running, then thought again of the kindness that had been shown, and made himself brave the hallways. He found the demon in the same room he had been in earlier, a book in front of him.

He nodded his head, and then carefully mouthed 'thank you', looking up at him, hoping his message carried across.

The demon replied, bringing his hand to his head and then sweeping it down to his chest, palm up.

Janos stared at him, then brought his hand to his lips like a kiss.  
"Thank you."

The demon nodded, and held up the book, showing it was an introduction to sign language. He picked up a pen, and wrote down a quick message.  
'You're welcome.'

Janos took the paper when it was offered.  
'You're learning to sign?'

'I thought I might as well. Get some rest.'

Janos nodded, and headed to bed, quickly pausing in the doorway to sign to him.  
"Good night."

Azazel echoed the gesture.

***

The exchange haunted Janos over the next few days, as he replayed it over and over in his mind. Was his soul really for sale so easily? First the doctor's kind words, and meaningless promises, and then some bread which brought back memories of a life he was no longer worthy of. He pondered it as he ate the second of the pan dulce the following morning, taking some time for himself. Knowing where it was from, he had expected that it would taste like ashes, like the flames - and it had still tasted sweet, tasted... like kindness. 

Perhaps he really was that easy to tempt towards evil. A simple kindness, and he was anyone's. It was strange, after all the people he had seen the doctor kill, that it was his fondness for the demon that haunted him. He had nightmares about the fate that would be waiting for him. It wasn't right, he knew that. He shouldn't be feeling fondness towards the other man, just for a touch of kindness... and yet he did. He told himself he could just keep his distance from the other man, pretend that nothing happened, and that maybe that way it would work out. The two of them could work together, perhaps, and maybe one day he would see him without flinching, but they certainly couldn't be friends.

Anyway, he wasn't meant to have friends. He assumed that the demon would get bored of him, after a few days. Find him too difficult to talk to.

Unfortunately, it seemed like fate had another idea in planned for him.

Unable to read minds, unable to hear, and having only a grasp of lipreading in Spanish and English, Janos ended up sitting out a lot of the doctor's meetings, as he moved the pieces into play to set off the bombs that would annihilate mankind. Azazel ended up sitting out as well, too noticeable for public life, merely waiting for Emma to call one of them.

The doctor had been gone for a couple of days, and Janos had mostly stayed in his room. He'd found a few Spanish children's books kicked under the sofa. That made little sense, given the fact they were in Russia, but he still read them, losing himself in memories of a childhood when he'd still felt normal. When he'd thought that he was human, and had learned to pray. When he'd felt he had a life, and had hoped that things would go simply, when he'd had plans, and none of them had involved spending over a decade as a test subject. But then, things didn't always go as planned.

He frowned, contemplating braving the hallway so that he could go and make some dinner for himself when he saw a piece of paper slipped under the door. 

He walked over, picked it up, and then found himself smiling to see the two words written there.  
'Knock knock'

He rolled his eyes, ducking his head slightly to hide a smile as he went to open the door. 

The demon stood outside. He waved, and then pointed between them with his tail, before holding one hand out flat and miming walking with his fingers across it. Janos corrected the sign, then hesitated, and nodded, picking up the note and writing on it.  
'Are you allowed out?'

'Anyone comes, we come back. Anyway, it is dark,' the demon answered, winking in response. Janos hesitated, biting his lip. He definitely wasn't meant to be wandering outside in the dark with a demon. But it was tempting. 

The doctor wasn't due back for another day, and they could get back quickly if it was needed. Hesitantly, he nodded, searching for a jacket which he pulled on over his shoulders. The demon opened the door with a flourish, and he stepped through, leading the way outside.

It was strangely beautiful under the moonlight. He couldn't remember the last time he had been outside simply to relax, not for a purpose. But it would be too challenging to explain that to the demon. He simply walked, lost in his own thoughts, the demon staying close at hand. Stories he had grown up with flashed in his mind, but none of them felt right. None of them fitted with what he had seen, and he wondered if maybe he'd misjudged him somehow. The two of them walked in silence.

Then the demon reached out and grabbed his arm, and all he could see was blackness, the air thick with smoke. A moment later it cleared and he was back in his bedroom, the demon pressing one clawed finger to Janos's lips. He nodded, his pulse racing, and then the demon was gone.

A few moments later, the door to his room was pushed open, and the doctor stood there, looking at him curiously. He focused, trying to read what was being said. 'I don't know why... jacket… inside...'

Janos hesitated, ducking his head and then taking off his jacket, pointing out of the window towards the car.

That at least made the doctor smile.

That night, there were some saladitos waiting in a bowl beside his bed. He headed straight to the demon, gesturing his thanks.

"You're welcome," the demon signed back. "Sleep well."

That night, he did. The dreams of fire and darkness felt further away, as in his mind he wandered through the moonlight.

***

The doctor was furious, glaring and gesturing angrily, and Janos kept his head bowed obediently. To look the other man in the face would be seen as a challenge, so he was stuck trying to read the doctor's lips through his eyelashes. If Emma had been here she'd have projected the words to him, but she was off handling an assignment, and he was left trying to work out what was being told to him, with the doctor's anger distorting his face.

His heart was racing. He had no idea what he was doing wrong, but he knew he had to give the other man the answer that he wanted. Azazel was stood beside him, his face impassive, arms crossed. Janos hesitated, catching sight of his tail, which flicked from side to side. 

Then the doctor stopped talking, and the end of Azazel's tail flicked in a quick up-down. The doctor was glaring at him, waiting for a response, and even though he was aware he might be being led astray, being set up for worse trouble, he nodded his head. The doctor backed off a little. His rant continued, but it seemed less aimed towards Janos. Azazel stayed stood there, still aside from tiny nods and shakes of his tail, until eventually the doctor turned and walked away.

Janos stood there panting as though he had just run a mile, trembling with fear and having no idea of what he had agreed to.

Azazel approached, reaching out, resting his hand briefly above Janos's arm. It took a moment for Janos to realise he was asking permission to touch. But he nodded, and then for a moment smoke filled his senses, and they were back in Janos's room. 

"What happened?" Janos signed, wanting to know, trusting that he would get an answer from the demonic man. Azazel looked at him blankly, then mimed writing, and disappeared. A moment later, he returned, holding a notebook and pen. He offered it to Janos.

'What was he so angry about?'

'He's been struggling to get the Americans to cooperate. They're still willing to trust the Russians.'

'That's not my fault.' Janos scribbled, before he crossed it out, ducking his head in shame. It wasn't good to argue, or to try and escape blame. It just made you look like you weren't willing to play your role.

Azazel reached out, carefully lifting Janos's head with a claw beneath his chin, and smiling at him, before speaking clearly. Janos tried to follow his words. After a moment, he picked up the notebook, and repeated the message.  
'It wasn't your fault.'

'Thank you for helping me.' Janos admitted, realising only now that he was shaking.

'You're scared?'

'I've known him kill when he gets in one of those moods.' Janos admitted, before ripping out the sheet of paper. Azazel reached out for it, and after a moment's hesitation he handed it over. He trusted that Azazel wouldn't use that moment of weakness against him.

Azazel wrote on the paper. 'I'll help in future as well.'

Janos nodded, and smiled, and then Azazel frowned, and wrote another note.  
'He's calling for you.'

'If Emma is here she tells me,' Janos explained. 'Otherwise-' Azazel disappeared, and the doctor stormed in, clearly angry that he'd had to wait. Janos looked down for a moment, took a calming breath, then lifted his head and smiled sweetly.

***

Azazel was waiting for him when he got back, with some more of the delicious sweet bread that he'd first offered him. He held it out, and Janos nodded. He didn't know what it said about him that he found comfort from the kindness of a man that looked like a demon, but the doctor looked human and he was the devil itself. Azazel hesitated, then held out his arms, offering an embrace.

Janos stepped forwards, curling up against him for security. Azazel's arms wrapped around him, and for the first time in a long time, he felt safe. He felt the man's tail curl around his waist, and he didn't know what it said about his soul that he was glad for it, glad for the other man's strange red skin and sharp nails, and the certainty that it was Azazel's arms that he was in. Azazel held him for a long time, rubbing his back. He could feel Azazel's body rumbling, aware that the other man was talking to him. He tried to lift his head, so that he could read his lips, but Azazel just shook his head and squeezed him tighter for a moment.

Janos knew that he was crying, his head ducking down. Azazel pressed a kiss to his forehead and then stepped away, pointing towards his bed, then covering his face with his hand and bringing it together at his chin.  
"Sleep."

"Thank you," Janos replied, looking into his eyes as he brought his fingers to his lips, smiling at him softly.

Azazel waited until Janos was sat in bed, then reached out and stroked his fingers gently through Janos's hair, before signing again.  
"Sweet dreams."  
Before Janos could answer, he disappeared in a burst of smoke.

***

Azazel's eyes slowly flickered open, his skin looking almost grey from loss of blood, and Janos took a deep breath, looking towards the heavens and quickly sending a prayer of thanks to whoever had seen Azazel through.

Azazel tried to sit up, looking around the room in the safe house in confusion. Janos reached out, placing his hands on Azazel's shoulders and pushing him down. He didn't know whether it was the injury or trust that made the man stop fighting and let Janos tuck the blankets over him. 

Janos had written out an explanation, as he waited for Azazel to regain consciousness, in between checking his pulse and praying for his survival. He handed the explanation over.

Azazel took a moment to read it. Janos watched him, saw how his tail flicked nervously from side to side, wished to offer him comfort.

Azazel gestured for the pencil, and Janos handed it to him.  
'You prayed for me?'

Janos nodded.  
'I wasn't sure you'd wake up,' he explained, shrugging. 'I wanted to do something.'

Azazel looked into his eyes, and smiled.  
"Thank you."

Janos nodded, and then handed over a second page, explaining that Azazel needed rest. Azazel frowned, pointing at the bit that said he shouldn't teleport, and crossing his arms, feigning a pout. Janos laughed, crossing his arms in return, and then writing on the page.  
'I don't want to lose you.'

Azazel caught his hand, brought it to his lips. He shook his head, and smiled, and Janos smiled back.

***

It was almost a month before Azazel was healed enough to teleport around freely once more. During that time, things continued on. Azazel learned to cook a few simple recipes, or he would just be waiting when Janos returned to his room, to hold him close, stroke his hair, look into his eyes. 

Janos realised, during that time, that he cared about Azazel, not merely as a friend but as something more. It was a strange realisation to have, one that frightened him as much as it thrilled him, but it was the truth. Azazel seemed to have noticed, and Emma shot him knowing smiles, but the doctor didn't seem to have an idea.

Azazel passed Janos in a corridor, pressed a folded up piece of paper into his hand. Janos waited until he was alone to unfold it.  
'Shaw has a meeting in America with Colonel Hendry in a few days. I would like to take you out for a meal.'

Janos frowned a little, immediately aware of the issue there - with Azazel's skin, he could hardly pass unnoticed. But Azazel was aware of his own appearance. The next time he saw him, he nodded and smiled, and Azazel's tail twitched in smug satisfaction. 

He could still see a demonic tint to Azazel's appearance, but there were times he reminded him more of a cat, in the movement of his tail and the way he acted. Janos had often wondered why mutants were here, why so much of his life had been so hard. And now, he was where he belonged, and he felt like those questions might have been answered. On his better days, he could imagine that he had come to be to fit into Azazel's arms.

The day of the meeting came, and Azazel took the doctor to where he was meant to be, then disappeared again, returning with a bag of food.

Janos raised an eyebrow, and Azazel shrugged, disappearing again and then reappearing with a candle, although the movement of his teleportation had blown it out.

Janos set up two plates, and sat down, ducking his head, and rushing through a quick grace - he never did this when the doctor was around, but he trusted that Azazel would understand that he needed this.

When he opened his eyes, Azazel wasn't eating. He was just sat there, watching, a fond expression on his face.  
"You ready?" he signed, and Janos nodded. The two of them ate, pausing regularly to talk to each other. Janos ended up laughing at Azazel's terrible jokes, correcting his signs. Azazel had brought some wine for Janos, and some disgusting spirit for himself, and the two of them had a couple of drinks, before heading to their rooms.

Janos paused. Emma could call Azazel away at any moment, but the meeting was due to go on late into the night, and this might be the best chance he had.

He reached out for Azazel, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and feeling the other man's tail curl around his waist, then kissed him softly. He stepped back after a moment.

"Are you okay?"

He nodded, and Azazel leaned in for another kiss, still shy, careful. Then Azazel hesitated, his tail flicking between them, and he brought his arms up to his chest, crossed at the wrist, like a child holding a bear.  
"I love you."

Janos hesitated. He knew this was dangerous. He also knew it was true. He nodded, echoing the gesture, then holding up one hand with his ring and middle finger folded down.  
"I love you." 

Azazel's next kiss was less hesitant, but still gentle, and he found himself smiling against those lips, safe in the arms of the man he'd once mistaken for a devil. Standing so close, he could feel the thump of Azazel's heart beside his own.


End file.
